Reflections

Thirty years ago today my divorce was final.  Not my choice.  Still hurts.  Always will.  For, loss is hard.  Losing my soulmate, a killer.  Of hopes and dreams.  Spirit and sensual pleasures.  All gone.  Forever.

Today I had a hard time getting it in gear.  Getting up, getting going, keeping it going, finding interest in anything I tried to do.  Inertia set in.  Big time.  Went to a few garage sales.  Picked up a few odds and ends, little thngs, not much to talk about, really.  Scotch tape, tiny gold safety pins, scissors, a ball of twine, nothing fascinating, romantic or enticing.  Kinda like how I feel.  After 30 years of being alone. . .and counting.

It's ironic, but I borrowed 4 DVD's from the library produced by, Spiritual Cinema, an outlet that offers films that are about spiritual issues in the way of life choices, dilemmas, and other conflicts about the human spirit.  Of the four flicks I borrowed, I chose one (randomly) to watch this evening called, Tara Road. 

It was about two women who decide to swap houses after meeting crises head-on.  The first woman, "Marilyn", played by Andie MacDowell, who lives in a posh house in Connecticut, watches her son crash his motorcycle into their swimming pool and drown.  The second lady,
Ria, lives in Dublin, Ireland and is told by her husband that he's having an affair and got the woman pregnant and loves her and is leaving.

They swap houses and have adventures in respective countries with each other's friends and colleagues.  They learn life lessons about forgiving, moving on and growing as humn beings through crises.  Ria learns what a schmuck her husband is, even though she loved, trusted and had two children with him, and Marilyn learns that life goes on after losing a child.  Both women are transformed in important ways.

At the end of the film there's a discussion and 5 questions designed to stimulate self-reflection and growth.  Two of the questions really resonated with me. 

1)  How have you healed from painful, "non-negotiable" events in your life?

2)  How important  is it to simply have a witness for one's healing?  Who has played the witness in you own life?

In all honesty, I haven't fully recovered from my divorce and doubt I will, totally.  I suppose I've "healed" just by the passage of time.  Like wounds that scar over, mine are old but still there.  And, as far as having someone "witness" my healing, that hasn't really happened.  Although I've been to therapy, no one has really connected in a meaningful way for witnessing, resolving and moving on.  Hopefully, that'll still happen and maybe, then, I can move on better than I have limping along on my own.

I found it very synchonistic that, of all the films to borrow and watch, I picked the one where one woman's husband left her for another.  And, of course, losing a child is the worst loss one can experience.  Both losses, any such deep losses, are traumatic and take a long time to get over--if ever. 

Another irony is that my dark Calico kitty, Sweetie Pie, was in bed snuggled close to me, during the whole film and for some time afterward.  She never left my side and was curled up and cuddling with me as if she knew Mommy was upset or sad.  Animals have a sixth sense of knowing such things, and I believe that's why Sweetie Pie was by my side for hours this evening.  Perhaps my best "witness."

For, in order to heal, I believe the witness needs to be someone who truly cares not just som hired gun--therapists included.  Rather, someone who likes me, is sincerely concerned about my happiness and welfare and who wants to be involved.  A dispassionate ear doesn't count
nor does a gratuituous one.  It has to be from someone who cares and wants to be involved.

And, that hasn't happened.  I haven't been privileged enough to meet anyone who cares enough to really connect and want to be that witness or sympathetic shoulder to lean on, talk to about my divorce and start to heal deeply.  I keep hoping but, in the 30 years, my closest confidantes have been my pets.  I am grateful for each and every one of them and, somehow,
they seem to know my ups and downs even though we speak different languages.

For, the heart knows, and two hearts in love always connect.  Such is life with my animals.
Although they can't respond back verbally, the closeness and connection I felt from Sweetie Pie tonight said it all.  She was my witness.  She is my rock.  They are all my healers and helpers, my light and my loves.